Dear Bro Fuston,
I am a lady of 28 years who is in love with a widower that is 36 years.
He was married for three years, his wife died during child birth, but the baby boy who is six years now survived and lives with my lover’s mother in-law in Lagos.
From what I gathered, they dated for many years, about six years before finally getting married and that their relationship even before marriage was healthy and pronounced, that you can hardly see them staying apart.
It is about four years his wife died but he still does things that make me wonder if he can actually marry me or any other woman.
His father, I am convinced is the one that is pushing him to give another shot to marriage.
I never begged him to marry me, he saw me in a combined church service, approached me and requested that we become friends.
It is about 16 months that we have been courting but I still notice that the memories of his late wife is either hunting him or that he subtly wants me out of his life.
I must be frank with you Sir, he has not done anything directly to me to prove he wants to opt out of our relationship, but there are certain things that are pointers to this reality.
This is a young man his wife died and after one year of mourning he still not thinks it necessary to remarry or get involved in any relationship if not that his parents especially his father is forcing him to try marriage once again.
He is fond of addressing me by his late wife’s name, mostly at the heat of passion.
He compares me with the late woman and some times praises her virtues while deriding me.
Though, he came to me for a relationship while I was on my own, it’s as if he has not made up his mind to enter another relationship, but only being forced to do so.
I want to know if I am not making mistakes continuing in this relationship. Please, what do you advise I should do to save my face?
Faith from Port Harcourt.
The act of relationship stems from the inside and only comes with an outward manifestation.
What I am saying is that love is developed in our hearts but it has an outward appearance or show, likewise hate, disaffection, affection, etc.
Your lover is still holding so dearly in his heart the memories he shared with his late wife and the manifestation is exactly what you are seeing.
If you must change him, then you need patience to actually conquer.
Most relationships and the memories are hard to forgo, communication in this situation is very important, the young man needs someone that can make an imprint in his heart probably to erase the fond memories shared with the dead.
Make him understand that his late wife will not come back to him again, but don’t do this discrediting the works of the late woman or ridiculing her efforts because this may infuriate him.
Try and be yourself, even when he compares you with the former wife with the intent to deride you, be yourself and endeavour to do all things well and according to your ability.
With time he will begin to discover your potentials and appreciate them.
There is something about you that appeals to him and that’s why he walked up to you in a gathering of people.
Discover your best qualities, maximize them with the view of keeping your love, and before long your name he will use to sing songs.
Don’t despair, push on because you are already married to him, since from all indications you have started having a passionate moment, which is indeed condemnable and at variance with God’s word.
You will be considered a coward if you quit the affair simply because sometimes he addresses you by the late wife’s name, that is even the reason why you should work hard to stamp your name perpetually in his mind.
It could be he is pulling your legs to know how far you can go with him. This is one of the many reasons why we discourage sex before marriage, because a partner can opt out after not being convinced of compatibility.
Be patient, do the right things to make him erase the memories of the dead and officially hook unto him as your husband.
I wish you the best.