Dear Bro Fuston,
I am like a bat that has no place up or down and that is my greatest undoing.
Many people have tried to know from me why I have sturbonly remained in the so called marriage I find myself.
I have not been able to answer some people because they may not understand the reason behind my refusal to dump the suffering I called marriage.
It was recently that I knew that my problem started from the beginning of the entire process.
My people never accepted him to be my husband and his own people also did not want to be part of anything that will make us a couple.
The reason my father and elder brother gave is that he is a DJ, they believe that such persons hardly make do with one woman.
His people never wanted me because according to them I am outcaste (Osu) in Igbo language.
We insisted, called bluff these issues and regarded them as sentiments the two families presented to stop us from getting married.
We are married, and its being over nine years, but the truth is that the nine years plus for me has been a hell here on earth.
As it is, I cannot go back to my father because he warned me not to step my foot in his compound if any problem of infidelity on the part of my husband is mentioned as our problem.
My father I know cannot eat his words, he rather commits suicide than eat his own word.
I can neither go to his people to even lay complaint because they hated me like serpent and wished I was dead because they feel I defile their blood by marriage with their son and brother. This is my greatest worry and it is the only reason why I am still in this marriage.
We have four children, three in school ranging from nursery to primary schools but their father has never once asked how much they pay for school fees not to talk of going to pay.
Their feeding, clothing, medical bills and other necessary bills are all picked by me.
Apart from the initial payment top our land lord when we parked into our flat, it has been close to seven years he has never cared to know how the house rent is paid.
Electricity bills, water bills and many other fees tenants pay where they live are my sole responsibilities.
I am the father and the mother of the children at the same time, his is to climb on top of me like a tree and make children, but since I have concluded that he can never change I have equally decided not to let him near me nor dare ask me for sex.
My foolish husband can stay as long as six months without coming home seeing that he has money in his wallet. He remembers home when he is totally broke and cannot fend for himself and his array of lovers, only then he remembers that he is married with children.
If I am told that he has other children outside. I will not in any way doubt it. Within him he still feels 20 when he is actually 41. I have been asking how this will continue.
I have embarrassed him in the public over his ugly behaviour to me, called him names, denied him sex, treated him with silence, reported him to the owner of the studio where he works, fought with him, begged him, blackmailed him, threatened him and sometimes prayed for him but all these to no avail. What do I do over this issue, so that I don’t die, I am only 34 years leaving my children in the hands of terrible husband and the hawks he may bring into the house as wives. Please sir, help me for I am deeply troubled.
Nnenna in Owerri
Dear Nnenna, it baffles me so much that some men without recourse to the consequences treat their own families with so much wickness and disdain.
Sometimes it appears as if some of these deluded men are bewitched, but when you dig deep you find out that they are the architects of their own enslavery. It is a known fact that a river does not drown anyone that did not step his feet on it.
I remember it has not been long, I handled a case of an absentee father like your husband in this column. It is worrisome that many men in our society are abandoning their homes and responsibilities and now take solace in the breasts of bond women, leaving the training of the kids in the hands of women only.
This non commitment by some “fathers” are one of the many reasons why our society cannot be rid of criminal elements, and until the understanding spreads thoroughly through their minds that the rearing of children requires the efforts of a man and his wife, only then will crime abate in our society.
You have taken both the right and wrong steps to address your marriage situation without success so far. You should not relent, probably you are bearing the cross of your mistake.
Any organisation or institution without proper footing of foundation is bound to collapse, I am thinking that your marriage is troubled because it did not receive parental blessings and I know it is a wrong way to lay marriage foundation when blessings from both parents lack, such marriage quakes.
You should have secured the blessings of both parents no matter how long it takes before coming together as man & wife.
You two should have marshaled out convincing points to knock off the erroneous beliefs of your parents and, by so doing, press home your demands.
Since you never did this, if indeed you want to rescue your husband from the clutches of adultery than especially you the woman, go back to your parents and plead with them to forgive you, do this from the depths of your heart and see God work His miracle for you.
Ceaselessly pray for your husband because it appears he is blinded from the punishment associated with his awful behaviour, you may not rely only on prayers to achieve this great feat. You can add fasting to the prayers and see that shackle break sooner than later.
Don’t despair, sometimes it is very difficult, they that God Usually uplifts we dot their ways with trials. It could be you are defined to laugh wildly at the last count, so strive on.
Let me also say here that you have the right to divorce this man if you are sure that he is actually cheating or defiling the marriage bed. Yes, you deserve that right, but in this column I don’t preach nor support divorce, I preach and support forgiveness and reconciliation.
Endeavour to forgive him and reconcile with him if he realizes his sins and comes begging, because I know he will someday.
The decision on any of these two options is totally yours, but I am of the opinion that you make up with him because that is better.
Cry no more, fight no more, curse no more, pray and fast more at this time.
I am optimistic that something good will come out of the two exercises.