Dear Bro Fuston,
I find it shameful sharing my sexual displeasure in my marriage with you. I had to seek help from you because it is said that if a drowning person refuses to raise his hands for help, he will end up being drowned.
I was 37 years. Two years ago when I got married to my husband, not because I loved him but because I needed to break what was perceived as a curse in my family.
I am the third girl in a family of six, four girls and two boys. My two younger brothers are married, but none of us-the girls were married and when this opportunity came, I quickly grabbed it to shut the mouth of critics.
My husband is 42 years and I have decided to live with him. I have also decided to accommodate his excesses but one to me is very disturbing and I think if it continues I may resort to an alternative which I am sure he will not be pleased with.
His sexual life is such that can keep a woman sorrowful. He cannot last for three minutes and so cannot make good use of his sizable manhood.
This poor performance of my husband sexually is not even my grouse. My problem is his orientation and belief. I have tried to convince him that since he cannot get me satisfied through penile sex, he can do so through cunnilingus. But that is the last error the man that calls himself my husband will do. He thinks it’s dirty and an abomination and looks at me as one harlot who thinks and enjoys nothing else but sex. The reality is that since I married him I have not had enough sex not to talk of the one to enjoy.
I now feel embarrassed asking him to stimulate me at the right place, the worst being that he comes for it almost every night and will each time end up making me groan. The last time I expressed anger over his poor performance, he asked me angrily if I want him to die on top of me. Is this how marriage works? I feel I should open up to a more knowledgeable person like you because I vowed to remain in marriage no matter the odds, but this situation sincerely is driving me crazy.
Cunnilingus I think is what he can do to at least make me happy, but his understanding about this whole thing is quite discouraging. He feels that sexual pleasure or satisfaction is for him the man only and never cares how I feel after every act.
My former lover was not fantastic about penile love-making, but he made up with cunnilingus. I do not want to think about moving back to him nor do I wish to compare him with my husband. Yet I must state here that my husband’s attitude towards our happiness is pushing me back to my ex-boyfriend.
How do I win this battle? His refusal to even try is like a pin on my ass. I hold this marriage so dear and would want to do things that will promote love between us. Should I keep quiet? For how long?
Amechi in Owerri.
I congratulate you for coming out to share your worries with Straight from Heart. It wouldn’t have been better for you to bear the burden alone, so there is nothing wrong in seeking for help.
Sex in marriage is meant to be enjoyed by both parties. It is not for the man only neither is it for the woman alone to enjoy.
Full sexual desire is expressed in marriage without restrictions. There is no abominable thing when a man or woman expresses sexual pleasure fully in marriage.
A woman will only obtain complete sexual pleasure when she and her husband have equality in sexual matters, when a man and his wife share their sexual pleasure mutually, it keeps them bonded.
Using a woman as a sexual receptacle in a marriage goes against the needed bond in marriage. Don’t allow yourself to be pushed into desecrating the sanctity of marriage, patience is a virtue you are going to apply in this matter.
It is no longer an issue whether you married for love or not, learn to love the man if you indeed want to remain in the marriage.
If you must win the battle, then you should not be embarrassed about asking your husband to stimulate you the way you wish. Be confident, remember he will not change in a twinkle of an eye, so you need patience and humility in your quest to change this age-long understanding of your husband.
Do not be sorrowful, constantly and politely tell him to stop being resentful of your desires, make him understand that the Bible teaches that his body is yours, likewise your body is his. He is obligated to make you happy sexually, especially when he has the ability.
Getting sexual pleasure from someone else other than your husband, I must tell you poses danger to your marriage.