I first read your column on-line and since then I have been an avid reader of your column.
I have been wanting to write to you about my case but the courage to do so has always been my problem because I don’t want to disclose my identity hence, I demand that you should not display the name on my E-mail.
You can use any other name or better still, you can publish without any name attached to my story.
It is about one year now or more (I don’t want to put that horrible date in my memory) since armed robbers, about six of them gained entrance into our residence and after dispossessing us of our belongings, raped me and my sister cousin that came to visit us. My husband has vehemently refused to have sex with me.
He has not been able to say what his reason for avoiding me is, even though I have gone to the hospital and have been certified free from any venereal diseases by doctors.
The awful act was done right in his presence, he wanted to engage the men with arms when they wanted to do the dastardly act but I begged him to let them have me instead of taking his life. Three of them slept with me, while the rest three had their way with my cousin.
I do not know if my acceptance to the cruel desires of the evil men is his reason for treating me like a piece of rag since the incident.
His attitude to me is adding to my already traumatized person, sometimes I feel worthless and desires to commit suicide.
I have done my best to make him see reasons with me, but he would not. I have reported the matter to our family doctor who is aware of the entire saga. He has spoken to him and has told him that we can see live our lives as we use to but he remains unyielding.
I am becoming bored and mentally tortured in this marriage. At my young age of thirty, do I continue to live under the same roof with a man that treats me as a parier, for no fault of mine?
What I did, I did to stop those cowards from shooting him and making me a widow and my children fatherless.
What do you advise me to do in this situation? Do I walk out of the marriage? Do I stay to continue receiving this subtle dehumanization?
I need some help and urgently too. My head is about exploding and I am yet to come to terms with the reality of events in my home now.
Please I need your help
I live in Port Harcourt
Dear sister in Port Harcourt,
I was close to tears after going through your mail, it is indeed touchy.
Take solace in God, for no evil doer must go unpunished, those men from the pit of hell surely must one day meet their doom.
In finding a solution to the problem of neglect of your sexual desires by your husband. I think the first thing is to know how his mind is working by getting him to say his reasons for avoiding you sexually.
This will form the basis of my advice to you. Plead with him to speak to you or any trusted person, preferably a cleric.
Why do you want to commit suicide? Is it your fault that you were raped? You are only a victim of some evil plan. You have been to the hospital and have been giving a clean bill of health. So it is not your making that you were visited with such cruelty. Your husband must be made to understand this if indeed he loves you. Taking your own life is not an option, so don’t go that way, remember your innocent children and what will become of them if you attempt suicide.
Also don’t think of abandoning your home because you are faced with the challenge of denial.
Sometimes our best come when we pass through your type of storm, the devil is using your husband to make you continue being traumatized, don’t allow that, you will be a total loser if you go the way of taking your life or walking out of your marriage.
Persuade your man to speak, get a confidant he respects to make him say his reasons for rejecting his wife after a rape incident.
Prayer works, so fervent and earnest prayers can destroy the strong grip of the devil, so pray hard now.
Show your husband love, though he is offending you, love begets love and I can assure you the moment you treat him with enormous love not minding his attitude to you, his heart must be touched to look your way again. Don’t despair you are a winner, so claim it.