Dear Bro. Fuston,
I once loved this guy who was married to me, I gave him my all; there was nothing I did not do to make our marriage work, but he thwarted every effort.
I know you will publish my letter, so I cannot explain all I did for this guy, and for the survival of our marriage in newspaper, but the man in the eye of my storm never considered anything, not even our two little children (a boy and a girl) in maltreating me.
I am bold to say that no woman can stomach the rubbish I tolerated from this man in eight years, for only one month; no woman can.
He was abusing me mentally & physically throughout the years we lived together, but I endured everything with the belief that he will change, but he never did, rather, his wickedness increased by the day.
Two years before I finally moved out of his house with my children, he stopped eating my food and claimed it was an instruction given to him by his man of God. He came home one evening and told me to hand him over the key to my personal car, a car I bought through the proceeds of my business and for school runs. The next day he gave the car to his elder sister who is married and lives with her family at Ikot –Ekpene. I was told to use public transport to see to those things I used the car for. In fact, I saw hell here on earth in the hands of a man that promised before a large crowd of people that gathered in the church for our wedding to love, cherish and pamper me. These are the ones that I cane remember, his wickedness to me are many but because I can now sleep soundly, I have decided to forget some.
Do I even talk about the risk I took for a worthless man who k will bad-mouth you instead of acknowledging the good done to him. There was a time I was detained in the police cell for four days without taking my bath, and I wore only a pant, bra and gown throughout my confinement, he ran away and when the problem was finally solved, there was nothing he did to show remorse or feel sorry that I suffered such dehumanization all for his sake. Do I talk about how he raped me each time his animalistic sexual desire engulfs him; which will I say, which will I leave?
Why is he coming back to beg me now? After treating me like a piece of shit. It shocks me more that his mother will have the temerity to step her feet in my father’s compound to beg that I return to her soul less son when she had always believed that her son brought in a witch to be her daughter in-law.
When I left his house, it was not easy, but now, I have weathered the storm, I was emaciated, but now I have returned to my real self, courtesy of my new lover who appreciates the value of a woman, and pampers me like a new born baby.
Everyone, including my parents is begging me to go back to my ex-husband who now weeps on daily basis begging me to return to his house.
The truth as it stands is that I don’t love him anymore, I have a real man in my life now. I have given him my heart; he handles me like an egg and gives my children the attention they never got from their biological father.
I think it will be stupid of me to abandon a house of love and jubilation for a sorrowful and mournful home. I don’t see myself loving him again, but let me hear the opinion of a master counsellor, Bro. Fuston
Telma Ndionugha lives in Owerri
Based on what you wrote in your letter, you indeed suffered so much in the hands of this man. Marriage is designed by God to be a place of joy and comfort, not a place of sorrow, agony and tears.
Some ignorantly have changed the concept of marriage which preaches peace, tolerance, understanding love etc and have introduced I hatred and torture to this God’s ordained institution.
I want to condemn in strong terms the attitude of subjecting you to mental and physical abuse. If indeed you did what is right to sustain your marriage, and the man was busy stifling the effort, it then means the man lacks understanding of what marriage should be, and can be said to be immature.
I have a challenge in handling your matter because from the way you sounded, you have foreclosed any move that can bring about reconciliation between you and the father of your children.
I don’t want to upset you by addressing him as your husband since you addressed him as your ex in the letter you sent to me, that’s why I called him the father of you children. But if the bitter truth should be told, which is the essence of this column, the man is still your husband, there was no mention of divorce or your parents going to return the bride price paid by this man to his people. He remains your husband, though there was separation occasioned by his wickedness, according to you.
The decision to go back to your home and continue to live with him is purely yours.
Let me reiterate again that straight from the Heart advocates against divorce and so will not encourage you to move on with your new love.
If what you are sharing with your new lover is intimate, then you should know that you are committing adultery. The father of your children is alive and around, so, no matter the volume of attention the kids get from your lover, he can never be their biological father.
I am not suggesting that straight away you should jump into the arms of this man who treated you wickedly because he came begging on his knees for your return.
You must bring him for a discussion to know if he has actually repented of his misgivings, the time to make him understand how relevant you are to the family is now. You will mask a whole lot of shame and derision by quietly moving back to your matrimonial home with your kids. Remember the social stigma attached to divorce especially as it affects women. Sometimes, ordinary emotions dwarf good reasoning, listen to the voice of wisdom and don’t call bluff the pleas of your parents. God prayerfully will make your marriage work, because the ability in is you.