Dear Bro Fuston,
I do not want it to appear as if I did not carry out a comprehensive inquiry before taking the final decision on this issue.
Traditionally I have asked aged people in my village and I have been to a priest in my Church and have also sought to know from well-meaning individuals on the issue.
I remember reading your column sometime last year and I felt it will be in my interest to also present the problem to you.
I met Monica in 2007 for the first time and was enthralled by her beauty and elegance. When I approached her for friendship she declined and informed me that she has a very serious relationship but that we can be mere friends because she sees me as a nice person. That was how we became casual friends.
Occasionally, I will call her on phone and briefly we will talk without so much emotional attachment.
She once mentioned it to me that she would have loved to be my lover if not for the guy in her life who she loves so dearly.
Late 2008 my organization sent me for training in the US which lasted a year. I came back in 2010. When I met her and asked about her relationship, she informed me that the guy equally traveled outside the shores of Nigeria but that she had not heard from him since then and that the rumour she heard was that the young man had died there.
That was how she started coming close to me again and this time we became good lovers. We continued our affair without any information about the guy and in 2011 July 23rd we formalized the relationship in a holy matrimony.
We were together in peace, she was my best companion and soul-mate and there was nothing to show that our love could go sour.
Barely one year after our wedding, there was news that the guy is back in town and that was when things started falling apart in our home. My wife turned to a different person, she started misbehaving and in one instance while I was making love to her she was the moaning and calling on the guy’s name and for me that was greatest offence she committed against me, though she later apologized to me and promised not to be that stupid again and I forgave her. It was not long that she started coming home late at nights, she did that the first day and I scolded her. She repeated it and I accused her of going to see that guy with a threat that she leaves my house if that happens again.
The following day I went to work and before I could return, she packed all her belongings and left with a note to me that she has gone to be where her heart is. All efforts I made to bring her back hit a brick wall.
It is about one month she abandoned her matrimonial responsibilities and co-habited with the guy. She has within this period discovered that the guy is now a total stranger to her. The guy is a drug addict and beats her mercilessly at the slightest provocation.
She is down and out and has been begging me to pardon her and offer her a second chance. I still love her, besides there is no other woman in my life at the moment. My parents and siblings are insisting that I should count them out and also believe myself to be on my own if I bring her back as my wife. My Parish priest is urging me to accept her since she has shown remorse and for the fact that I still love her.
Kindly advise me.
It is unfortunate that you are facing this problem at this stage of your marriage. It is not usually easy to take a decision at this time.
Your wife messed up, she goofed and is deserving of any ill-treatment meted to her.
She exhibited brazen unfaithfulness and ignorance of the marriage vow she took.
I do not blame your people for refusing that you bring her back to live with you as a wife, she insulted your family by that singular act of abandonment.
It is pitiable that young people nowadays do not understand the essence of marriage, Marriage is accepting to live with a partner or spouse with the exclusion of any other. It is a union of a man and woman with the sole intent of being together till death.
The idea of jilting one’s husband or wife for an old friend is unacceptable and so the decision to accept her back as your wife should be yours. You are at liberty to take her back or reject her, but the truth is that you must forgive her and accept her back into your home. It is a difficult thing to do but since you still love her then you should allow your love for her cover her multitude of errors.
Try and convince your people that you love her and would be glad to take her back as your wife. Take her to also beg your parents and siblings for her unbecoming attitude to them, she should beg God also to forgive her.
She needs to be guided properly on what marriage is all about and if you cannot do this, then you can seek a marriage counsellor to assist you.
This problem maybe a springboard for a better and happy marriage. On your part you should not look at her with suspicion, trust her and do not make reference to this incident if you two finally come together again as man and wife.
It is good that she has known the difference between you and her so called lover. I think she will appreciate you more at this time.
I am of the opinion that you take her back. That is what I will do if peradventure I find myself in your shoes. I am sure you have known what I will do. To err is human and to forgive is divine, so act fast. Convince your people, continue to love your wife and keep her as your only woman.