Dear Bro Fuston,
Sincerely speaking, it has not been easy with me. A friend of mine described my relationship with my boy friend as a ding-doing affair. One aunty in my street after listening to my story said I am into a blind and stupid union.
I do not know how to describe my relationship, but what readily comes to my mind each time I remember, it is that I am into a friendship that sometimes brings miseries to me and at another time brings so much happiness to me.
I am stuck in the relationship that as I write, I don’t know if the pendulum is swinging in my favour or not.
We became casual friends after we both assisted a couple in their wedding as best-man and maid of honour respectively.
A little after four months we became so bonded, that he gave me a spare key to his flat, and I go there to cook, wash for him and in many occasions sleep in his house.
It’s about three years we have been dating and I must confess that these years have been sweet and bitter. When we are happy together we go extra miles to celebrate it and when we fall apart it often ends with a harm.
Once, precisely last year he took me to Dubai for the celebration of my birthday and I must confess here that it was an exhilarating experience. He paid all the expenses during the trip.
We quarreled while there in Dubai about three days to our return to Nigeria. What was the crux of the matter? He went out alone and while coming back to our hotel room he met me talking at the hotel lobby with a native who rarely understood English Language, and without any question he slapped me before the young man. The rift was later settled the night before our long journey back to our country.
He has given me reasons to love him greatly and has also given me reasons enough to hate him. We are both in our early 30s, though he is two years older than I. We are known to our families as would-be couple even though he has not proposed to me.
Around March last year he got me pregnant. I knew I was pregnant when I became sick and was sent for a pregnancy test by the doctor and the result came out positive.
I told him about it and he said I should keep it, but I queried the rationale behind keeping the pregnancy when we are not legally married, yet he insisted that I should keep the pregnancy, but shied away from saying when we are going to get married. The pregnancy was about fourteen weeks when a minor issue of my forgetting to turn off the gas cylinder after cooking snow-balled into a big fight and this guy gave me the beating of my life. That same day I started having droppings and before I could get to the hospital, the next morning the bleeding became so intense. After some medi-care I was sent for a scan and the result showed that I had inevitable abortion, That was how I lost that first pregnancy.
He begged me to forgive him and offered moral and financial assistance that I needed.
We continued our relationship however, with occasional bickering and troubles.
Without sounding immodest I have had cause to date other men I assume are richer than him, men that wouldn’t raise their hands on me no matter the height of provocation yet I see this guy as my hero, he is a good lover and I can say it to the roof top that I love him.
But I am having a re-think based on what happened in April this year, barely one year after the very beating that led to my first miscarriage.
The problem this second time could not have resulted to a fight, but he pummelled me to the extent that I lost a pregnancy of 11 weeks. What baffles me is that he is quick to hit me with his hands and quicker in showing remorse and begging me for forgiveness.
I am worried, I love this guy, I want to be with him and I had intended to be the mother of his children but he beats me up at the slightest provocation. Twice, I have been pregnant for him and twice he has beaten me and I had miscarriages. Twice he had begged me and vowed not to touch me again, this second time he bought a new Honda car for me to prove he is sorry. We are not married yet I am afraid this will continue even after marriage. Bro. Fuston please, what do you advise me to do?
Loveth in Anambra
In being frank to you I must make you understand that you brought the pains upon yourself. You have already assumed the responsibilities of a wife when in actual sense this guy is not married to you.
You disparaged your pride as a woman and threw yourself on the guy by going to wash, cook and sleep with him when he has not paid your bride price.
How could he have got you pregnant and beat you up to the extent that you had miscarriage twice if you had maintained your pride as a spinster, by not going to co-habit with him? What I am saying is that he would have cherished and respected you more if you had stayed away from fornication and had also applied wisdom and caution in the way and manner both of you exchanged visits.
It is not wrong to beg a loved one for forgiveness with a gift, but I am persuaded to believe that part of the reason why you are still in this violent relationship is for the material benefits, especially the ones that come after a serious brawl. Until this mindset is jettisoned you maybe wallowing in the dark.
Domestic violence is a serious issue which should not be handled with kid’s gloves. The consequences sometimes are very fatal.
In being straight and honest, your man still has a long way to go, he is not yet ripe to have a woman live with him under the same roof.
It is beastly to raise a finger on a woman not to talk of a pregnant one, what if you had died during the beating or while bleeding? It is not out of place to say that his action caused the death of your unborn babies.
People must learn to control their tempers and also think properly on the effect of an action before embarking on such actions. He will be quick in asking you to forgive him, but he will not be quick in restraining himself from hitting a pregnant woman. This is a mark of immaturity and I am aware that no woman in her right senses would want to partner with such a man.
My duty is to show you some dangerous signs in your relationship, and your duty is to accept or not to accept my advice and corrections, so the ball is in your court, the decision to continue in this battle field or to leave it and make meaningful use of life is entirely yours.
Your man needs reformation and like I said, it will take a long time. Do you want to wait and bear the brunt? Remember he is not your husband yet, decent men abound. Think well. For the decision time is now.